By now it’s no secret that whenever I’m back home in Italy I tend to fall into a very down mood. I’d say even a depressed one but I don’t want to use this word lightly or casually, even though I do feel this way.
I’m really struggling to finding some peace and joy with my life and myself while here. My motivation drops close to 0 and I don’t feel inspired by anything or anyone. Not only this, but not having friends or people around who can understand my life or decisions, dreams or desires makes it a lot harder. And let’s not talk about the fact that it’s also winter.
I’m really struggling and it’s hard to feel at least content with my current life and not feeling stuck or chained here. I know I’m technically not but it feels like this because I’m trying to be here for my family and be of support and help for a few months. Or, actually, I feel like I have to. Or that’s how my brain is making me see the situation.
Speaking of work, luckily it seems like it might be moving to a better direction but I’m still not sure about it. The agency I freelance with offered me a position as a contractor which makes me happy although I still don’t know how many hours I’ll do per month.
However, something that’s been bugging me since I accepted this offer is that I didn’t have the strength or gut to negotiate my hourly fee. They asked me if the same one I was getting was fine and I said yes because that question scared me and activated my fear response.
It’s not a bad fee and it’s still money compared to not having any, plus they are a very cool agency and I like the people I interacted with but still. I know I’m worth more than that.
Today I ordered some CBD oil to try and see if it can be of some help for my mind. I’m not expecting a miracle but hopefully some calming effect.
I really miss travelling and being surrounded by a big variety of people. Here it seems so hard to find new people, especially LGBT people. I did manage to meet a couple but it’s still so hard and difficult.
I admit that I haven’t paid that much attention to this blog which is probably why I’m writing my thoughts on here. This way no one would probably read them. Which, funnily enough, is the opposite of the what an online blog is supposed to do. But I don’t mind if people are gonna read them. Either way, it’s good for me to do so.
Thank you for reading, passing by, sticking around.
Until next time,