Where have I been and what happened to Unsure Traveller?
Hello there you wonderful human beings, how have you been going?
I know it’s been quite some time since the last time I posted anything on this blog or updated you on what’s happening with my life. I neglected this blog both consciously and also unconsciously and I feel really bad and down about it.
As you might know it, or not, I decided to leave Australia at the end of July 2021 after almost 1.5 years of me being there because of COVID. It was a veeeery tough and difficult decision but that was what I was feeling at the time. I needed a change, I wanted to see my life, get vaccinated and get my freedom, or some of it, back.
I cried so much before booking the ticket, while doing it, at the airport, on the plane and even after being in Italy for some days. Even now I still feel very sad and heartbroken for not being in Australia. This country gave me so much and it has an energy and vibe that truly makes me feel at peace for certain areas of my soul. I know it’s not heaven and that there are things that I need to fix and address in order to fully feel myself, but I’m happy whenever I’m there.
From the moment I stepped out of the plane to Italy, I started to feel a lot of heavy emotions inside my soul. I was back here after 3 years since last time and after 5 since leaving for the first time to Australia. I knew I had changed so much while here nothing had. It felt like stepping back in time where everything is always the same and the cycle never breaks.
I was back in the same place, environment, energy and way of thinking and acting that were doing more harm than good to me. Energy and mentality that I don’t want to associate myself with anymore and from which I decided to remove myself. I was back in a chaos that doesn’t do any good to me.
The more I stay here, the more tough and challenging everything feels. I’m getting to a point where my body feels full of anxiety, stress and sadness because there is a collision between my new self, my old self from before I started travelling and this environment and its people.
Moreover, whenever I’m back here I start to think and believe that I’m not capable or strong enough to leave, travel or try new experiences. Despite having travelled solo for the past 5 years and having explored many different countries, here those memories disappear and I freeze. I start to look at flights but then my overthinking mind kicks in and it makes me doubt myself and my capabilities. It also tries to make me believe that by leaving and going travelling I’m just being selfish towards my family because they need me there and I would be a great help for them.
Finally, I stopped writing on this blog because this cyclone of feelings, thoughts and situations made me feel very unmotivated. I didn’t want to do anything, I started to procrastinate and tell myself “I’ll do it later” or even “There’s no point in doing this or that”.
In September I went to Berlin for the first time and I was excited to write a guide about it. However, as soon as I got back home, the desire to do so faded away and a “meh” feeling replaced it. I’m at a point where I don’t know where I’m going, what I’m doing or even why I’m doing or not doing something.
Despite all of this struggle and uncertainty, I know I’m capable and I know it won’t last forever. Luckily, I have people that love me and support me as much as they can and I know that there are a lot of inner things I need to figure out myself. I’m not alone and I’m not a failure.
These big ups and downs are part of life and totally normal and they are also essential. However, it’s on us how we act on and react to them and how much we allow them to control us.
I’m capable and I’ll get over it and you will too.
I believe in myself and I believe in you.
I love and I’m proud of myself and I love and I’m proud of you.
Unsure Traveller is not dying but it’s going through an important, challenging but also beautiful transformation. I’m unsure how long it will last for but I’ll do my best to keep you updated. Even by writing short posts like this one. In fact, this is already helping me empty my brain a bit and see everything with a tiny more clarity.
I’ll get through this and you will too.
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